Dear Sir

 

Application for All Black Coach

 

I refer to the recent NZRFU advertisements seeking expressions of interest for the position of All Black coach and more specifically the quote attributed to your Chairman, Murray McCaw:

 

"Now is the time for New Zealand's best coaches to put their names forward so that they can be judged fairly against each other."

 

After lengthy consideration with the missus, I have decided that New Zealand rugby does not deserve to suffer anymore and accordingly I put my name forward for the position. So sure am I of my ability to take the All Blacks to the winners’ podium at the next world cup that it would make sense to declare me the coach before the end of next week. This would save the time, money and hassles of interviewing countless candidates who we all know are only in a race to be my assistant anyway. The money saved could perhaps be better spent on junior club rugby or backing the Pakuranga United RFC Presidents team drinking trip to the Gold Coast (in the current harsh economic climate the team is facing a significant shortfall in funding).

 

We all know the problem with All Black rugby today is that the players are too far removed from the grassroots. Accordingly, I won't waste your time with a lengthy C.V setting out my triumphs in top class rugby. Instead, I provide a precis of some of my more notable achievements acquired in the competitive cauldron that is University social grade rugby – the absolute grassroots of the game - along with my thoughts on what is wrong with the All Blacks today. I will also explain how I propose to redress the stark imbalance between the contents of the Australian Rugby Union's trophy cabinet and that of the New Zealand Rugby Football Union. I am sure this will prove that I am the right man for the job.

 

I am particularly qualified to work with the All Black forward pack as I can see startling similarities with every single forward pack I have played behind during my years as a mercurial first five-eighth in University social rugby. The similarity being that they are not nearly hard enough, are rubbish at set pieces and spend most of the game loitering around in the centres getting in the way of promising moves and generally making a nuisance of themselves. I've also spent the Lion's share of my playing days in an under-85kg grade, and you can't tell me Norm Maxwell weighs more than 83kg. 

 

I believe that one of the current problems facing New Zealand rugby is the fact that so few of our top level players actually get the fundamental grounding that is provided by social grade rugby. Super 12 and All Black players take the game far too seriously. They train twice a day. They turn up on time for games. They go to the gym. They eat nutritious food (save for Jonah of course). They watch countless motivational videos and spend weeks in training camps. What they don't know (and we must apportion some element of blame to the system as opposed to the players directly) is what it is like to throw the ball around, spin it wide with total abandon and generally have fun with their footy. 

 

They have not experienced the thrill of turning up 5 minutes before a game, half cut from the night before, and still turning on a 'magic' performance. They have forgotten how to stand up for their mates when the opposition attempts to get the knuckle on. And call me a wuss if the All Black team has been on an official team pubcrawl since the glory days of Grizz's crawl of Irish pubs on the 89 tour. And when was the last time an All Black has had to warm up in a mate's car, rain bucketing down, the opposition already on the field, whilst waiting for his teammates to turn up after being delayed in the Glenn Innes KFC drive-through? It's this reckless disregard for torn-hamstrings, midfield hospital passes and second half indigestion that is sadly lacking from the AB’s today. I have been there - I have lived it, breathed it and dreamt it - and I'm willing to impart my experiences onto the present crop of players who have been floundering under the current coaching regime. That's the trouble with the All Blacks today - they take things far too seriously. 

 

You will also find I have excellent man management skills, acquired and built up over the years through my various playing, coaching and managerial roles in several star-studded (one former teammate once tackled Jonah) and notorious Auckland University Rugby Club social teams. In 1999 I even had the added responsibility of organising the battling Wombat team's pubcrawl. Although a "late bloomer" in the coaching stakes, I found it came to me naturally. Whether it was devising cunning tactics to sneak a vital win, organising phantom players to weigh in for overweight star players when the ARU flying squad conducted a raid or ensuring the team's social money wasn't spent at the races, I was equally adept. Indeed, a former teammate once commented that my ability to be impartial was one of my strongest qualities. Impartiality will be a bedrock around which my coaching and management team will operate. To demonstrate this, my first decree as coach will be to drop all players from Canterbury in an attempt to redress the shocking selection policies of the past three years that have brought a once proud nation to its knees.

 

I also have the ability to make the hard decisions. I once had to drop a player from the starting line up in a crunch game against Marist because he didn't turn up for a team session at the Albion Tavern. Discipline will also be a pillar of my management team. In relation to this, I will adopt traditional Middle Eastern rugby punishment rules - no more of the namby pamby so-called 'court sessions' after a game. Instead of having Anton skull his requisite pint of shandy for every botched lineout throw, we will simply cut off a finger. I'm sure he won't get more than two or three wrong ever again. Detterence is surely the best policy here - who cares about a few fingers when our collective national pride is at stake. I doubt we would see a "flat" performance from the All Blacks ever again.

 

I am not tarred with the tainted provincial selection brushes as the other candidates for this position will obviously be. Aside from the total clean-out of Canterbury players, I would show no provincial favouritism. Under my team, players would be selected on skill levels alone - more specifically, hookers would be selected on their ability to throw and belt people around and halfbacks would be selected on their ability to pass and get up the opposition’s noses. My only credible opponent for this All Black coaching job is Buck Shelford, who, in my revised team, will take the field at number eight anyway. I don't trust those other coaches, their eyes are all too close together.

 

As an added bonus for New Zealand rugby, a consortium of ex-players from the AURFC Wombats team has offered to work (for free) as a tactical brains trust, a close friend's mum has kindly offered to wash the jerseys after every game and my mate JP will make an excellent motivational consultant. His 'three P's' speech at this year's London Kiwi’s mixed touch tournament was a major factor in our team finishing fourth. I am the man to return our national game to the heights it deserves. Cometh the hour, cometh me.

 

References etc can also be provided if required.

 

Yours sincerely
Carl McMillan